Competing Fathers

In blended families there are always outlying family members. There is the initial blended family, but then what about the family members that got pushed to the side? When previously divorced people get married, or even when previously widowed people get married, there is always going to be an ex spouse or a ex grandparent that still wants involvement in the family life. This can create problems. One problem i would like to address that i think is a problem is competing fathers. 

When mothers remarry they usually get the largest amount of custody with kids. So the children easily like mom better, because they are with her more. So dad has to try to make the short time he has with them more fun and appealing. Also the new stepfather has to try and make kids who have never met him like him. In both of these fathers situations they usually turn into what is known as "Disney Land Dad". This involves excessive gift giving, relaxation of rules, and lack of discipline. 

Parents, even divided ones, should never try and pit children against another parent, or try and fight for affection. parents need to join in in co-parenting. They need to support each others parenting. It may seem hard at first, but it will be worth it when you know that the child is always getting even, and equal parenting from each parent.

The purpose of parenting

What is the purpose of parenting? Most people would say it is for the children. Parents are to teach their children how to survive in life, and be good people. Where both of those thing are true  and very important, there is more to parenting to just that.  There is another purpose of parenting that i want to focus on. That purpose is to help parents (adults) learn responsibility and selflessness.

In order to be successful parents, parents need to give themselves and dedicate themselves to their children. Children need a lot of attention, especially in the first few years. There are many needs that children need that take place of parents wants.

I have 7 siblings that are married who have children and i have seen a change in all of them as they have added children to their families. They have cared less about video games, sports and crafts, and focus more on the goals, dreams and desires of their children. They haven't lost themselves in their children though. They do the things they love with their children. They have just made their children the focus. Because my siblings have done this i have also noticed that the way they treat other people is different. They focus outward more, they ask how others are doing more often, instead of expecting people to ask them. They have become selfless.

So yes, parenting is for children, but lets not forget that parenting is for the parents as well.

Family Counsels

Communication. Most people think they are great at communicating when maybe...they really aren't.

Now, don't get me wrong. Some people are good communicators. But for the most part, we all have areas that we could improve in. I did a little research and here are some things i found could be helpful for all of us to do. 

1. Be clear with your concerns or desires.

2. Listen to the other persons side sincerely 

3. Be open-minded

4. Respect other people

5. Be confident

Obviously these things take practice, and they aren't always easy. But they are possible. There is a process whenever we are having a conversation with another person. First the sender things and feels what he wants to get across. Then he encodes it into a message and then sends it through a source of media (verbal, texting, writing, and even body language). Then the receiver Decodes the message and the sends back a response and so on and so forth. 

This process happens in families on a daily basis. Many times messages are decoded and encoded in unclear ways and messages are misinterpreted. There is something families can do to help each other understand one another and help lead them to all be on the same page. That something is Family Counsels.  Family counsels give each family individual chances to speak their mind and for the family to come to a consensus, or a unified decision.  When a family counsel is done well, communication in a family can be improved greatly.

Now you might be wondering how to hold an effective Family counsel, and don't worry, I won't leave you hanging.  There are a few necessary things that go into effective family counsels.

1. Express love to one another

2. Start with a Prayer - invite the spirit

3. Discuss matters - Consensus

4. End with a prayer - confirm that its the Lords will

As we follow these guidelines for family counsels, and as we implement the communication skills mentioned earlier, we will be able to feel greater unity in our families. 

Family Crisis

Family crisis can come in many different forms. It might be death of a loved one. A premature, or special needs baby joins the family. A child or spouse is abused. All of these events can be very difficult and usually life changing. For many of these events we cant predict when they are going to happen, and we also cant prevent most of them from happening either. So what can we do? As humans we like to be able to have control, and when life takes an unexpected turn we tend to not know what to do and it takes a negative toll on us and our families. 

But there is something we can do!

We can prepare. Family crisis can do one of three things. 1. Pull a family apart 2. Family relations stay the same (unlikely) 3. Brings the family closer together. The 3rd option is of course what we want. But how do we achieve that? Do we wait for the crisis to happen and then just hope things turn out for the best? No. Preparation starts long before the crisis appears. Here are some ideas to do as a family.

-have family dinner as often as possible (4-5 times/week)

-practice open and honest communication between family members

-serve one another

These are just a few ideas, but there are many more. One thing you could do is discuss with your family, in a family council, how you might be able to strengthen your family ties (immediate and extended) so that you can be better prepared for trials. And then set goals and work on them. Families are important and we don't want to let the natural trials of life tear us apart. Make your family a priority.  

Marriage and Boundaries

Marriage, marriage and more marriage. Its hard for me to relate to all this marriage talk. Something we talked about was how important it is for a married couples to have boundaries with their friends and family. Now, i'm not married, but i am the friend and family to a lot married people. 3 of my best friends are married and all 7 of my siblings are married. Something that i took away from class this week is that i need to be supportive of my married friends and family and not pry into their personal lives. Also i need to encourage them to not gossip or vent to me about their spouses. 

When married people vent to their friends about their spouses it just builds the problem and makes it bigger. The friends start to think badly about the person, and also the person venting starts to exaggerate and make things sound worse then things actually are. 

Sometimes it seems hard to create boundaries with our married friends, but for their sake it is very important. If we truly love our friends we will make sure to support them and encourage them to work out any marriage problems with their spouse and maybe with their family if necessary. 

Welp.... we talked about marriage again this week. I think this is starting to become a pattern (i guess i should get used to this, i am a marriage and family major after all). We talked about transitioning into marriage and how to make it easier. I figured since i am not getting married any time soon i would talk about things i can do now, as a single person, to prepare for marriage. I thought of three things. 1. Budgeting 2. Good communication and 3. homemaking skills.

First, budgeting. I can start now by working hard and earning money. I already do that, but now i need to be better at planning out what i need to use my money for so that i properly save my money for future expected and unexpected events/emergencies.

Second, good communication. It is not easy living with the same person for 12 weeks, let alone the rest of your life. But if you can have good communication it can make a big difference. We can start now by practicing listening better. Having an open mind and being understanding of others feelings and opinions.

Third, homemaking skills. Someday we will have to be able to cook and clean for our families (whether we are male of female, dads have got to cook too). Its important no to learn how to make good, healthy, and affordable meals.

If we try to to work on these things now, marriage will be a lot easier to merge into. And in all reality it will make current life a lot easier too. So i invite you all to make goals involving how you can prepare for marriage now. There will always be something you can do to prepare. So do it, and do it now!

Dating? or just hanging out?

This week we talked about marriage.....oh joy. (i hope you caught on to my sarcasm) Being a student at BYU-I marriage is a pretty common topic, and can i be honest....i'm sick of it. I'm not married. I don't know when i'll get married, and honestly i don't know IF i'll get married at all. 

There were some things however that i liked about our conversation in class. We also talked about dating. And not just exclusive dating. But just dating. Two people going on a planned outing. Paired off, and paid for. This definition of a date makes it seem so simple, and it should be simple. We live in a world where dating is almost non-existent. People hang out, and then they become exclusive, they keep hanging out, then they get engaged....then they keep hanging out. I have a word to say to the singles of the world.

STOP "JUST HANGING OUT!"

I am so sick of just "hanging out". I am not saying that i never suggest it, i do it all the time. I constantly ask guys to hang out. Reason being, the worlds view of dating is so changed that asking someone on a date nowadays comes across to strong and forward.  I don't know how to solve this hanging out epidemic, but i hope that my words can help some young single adults be more aware of how much dating has changed, and do something about it. What that something is....i dont know, but maybe you can help me think of something. 

<-------Maybe if we can get dating to look a little less like this .

 

And a little bit more like this ------>

Then maybe we will all have a slightly better chance at this thing we call marriage. 

Gender

ALL HUMAN BEINGS—male and female—are created in the image of God. Each is a beloved spirit son or daughter of heavenly parents, and, as such, each has a divine nature and destiny. Gender is an essential characteristic of individual premortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose.

-The family: A Proclamation to the World

https://www.lds.org/topics/family-proclamation?lang=eng 

Gender is an essential characteristic of individual pre-mortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose.... that's a pretty bold statement. But this week in class we have been discussing gender, why its important, and what happens when we mess with it. 

We had a really long discussion on the LGBTQ community. But that is not what i want to discuss. I want to talk about a question we were asked in one of our preparation assignment. We were asked the following:

How are my family experiences and expectations influenced my by gender? And how would those be different if my gender were different?

I had never considered this before. I had never thought about how my gender has affected my family. So i invite you all to contemplate this question in your own life. 

As i thought about this question i realized that my gender has influenced my family a lot. In my family it is usually the women who help take care of the children. I am the youngest in my family and i fall right under 3 boys. As my older siblings got married and had children it was my duty to help tend these children at family get togethers. Had i been a boy, there wouldn't have been someone to do that. I know that doesn't sound like a  big deal. Your probably thinking "isn't that the parents responsibility to take care of their own kids?" Yes. yes it is. But sometimes parents need help. and because of the way my family is set up, there wouldn't have been someone to help, had i been a boy. 

Also, i think of how much i helped growing up with the cooking and the cleaning. My mother needed help with that. The boys were in charge of helping with more physical tasks like mowing the lawn, and helping with big projects around the house. And it was my responsibility to help with the little but necessary things. My mom needed a girl at the end of the line of kids to continue to help her.  

You are probably thinking to yourself "wow, her family is very sexist. Cant the boys help with the cooking and the cleaning and the girls with the yard work?" and again yes. Yes we could have. And sometimes we did. But our family dynamic was very traditional. And we were all okay with that. But we never looked at families who did things differently and looked down upon them. 

I loved the chance to reflect on why my gender was and IS important. If i wasn't a girl i would be accomplishing different things. Not bad things or wrong things, but different things. I believe that i am a girl, because God created, and designed me to be one. He has a purpose for me on this earth and in order for me to fulfill that purpose i need to be ME. 

So i challenge you to reflect why you are who you are. And thank God for making you that way! 

Family: The Treasure of Heaven

All families are different. Some are big, some are small. Some are rich, some are....not so rich. Some are religious, some are not.
This week we discussed families with different social economical statuses and also different cultural backgrounds. How these differences can affect families, and how those families can affect a community.  We watched some videos for class and one that really stood out to me was called "Tammy's story". It showed a family who was very lower class and had a lot of trials (if you'd like to watch the video just follow this link https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=37ZpauS5Doo ).  Tammy had to go through a lot, and work really hard just too barely be able to support her family. I hurt for this family as I watched them have so little. And it humbled me to realized how blessed I was growing up, and how blessed I am even now as a poor college student. At least I have food to eat and clothes to wear.
 

What impacted me most this week as I have studied and prepared for class, and had discussions in class, was an article I read regarding Illegal immigrants from Mexico. I initially thought the article was going to talk about how illegal immigration is bad and how we need to stop it from happening. But i was shocked to find out that it was based on the families that had immigrated, and how their immigration impacted their families. I was both inspired and saddened while reading this article. The purpose behind why parents were immigrating their families to America was, for the most part, to help their children have a better life in the future. None of their reasons were so that they could have immediate happiness. In fact all of them said they weren't happy currently. One mom said "When I was seven my father told me everything grows towards the light. We are here to grow towards the light even when we think that darkness surrounds us. In this family, under these circumstances, we are seeds in the soil trying to grow towards the light." This statement from her really inspired me. This helps me see the reason why i do everything i do. Sometimes life is hard, and it feels like it’s not worth it, but it will be. The immigration seemed to take a hard toll on the children though. They missed their family back in Mexico, and the happiness that they felt when they were with them. One adolescent girl said "I know my parents do this for our well-being, so we’re here. But I think all the people in Mexico are happy because they are with their family. You see, here, it is mostly sadness. I feel like crying instead of feeling good. We used to always be with my family, that’s who I miss."  These poor kids were only staying in the US because they knew that’s what their parents wanted for them. But truly they were unhappy. Other teens talked about how they had had thoughts of suicide, but resisted because they didn't want to make their families suffer any more than they already were. 

Looking at both of these different family dynamics -- Tammy's family and the families of the immigrants -- it has made me ponder why we do what we do.  Why don't these families give up? It would be so much easier for them, right? But something i have realized is family does something to you. It changes you. It makes you work harder than you even thought you'd be able to work in your life.  When life gets so hard and you just want to give up, you don’t, you keep going FOR your family. When all else fails family is always my reason to continue on and fight for what i need to. 

So next time you think that life is too hard, and you want to give up, think of Tammy's family, then think of the immigrant families, and then....think of your family. Because where you might not be rich pertaining to things of the world, you are richer than the greatest king because we have our family with us. 

Week 3- Giving relationships our all

This weeks blog post will be a a little different seeing as i have no class discussions to go off of. I missed class yesterday due to illness, and class is cancelled on Thursday. So my thoughts come only from my personal reading and pondering.

As i did the required reading for class this week i cam across something that really stood out to me, and that is what i would like to focus on today. That topic is known as "The Exchange Theory". This is the "you owe me" theory. It implies that because i did something for you, you now must do something for me. However we usually try to always get back more than we give. In my book this is referred to as Cost and Reward.  This doesn't always have to be things like money though. Cost be something like time, energy (emotional and intellectual), money, etc. And rewards can be anything that the awardee finds satisfying. 

Now....i know what you're thinking. "What a selfish way of thinking!" But we all do this. When we are in a new relationship and we feel that we are always putting in more effort than the other individual then we usually draw back, or pull out of the relationship. But i think there is a misconception on relationships and what they are meant to be. 

This quote is one my favorites. It describes exactly how i feel about relationships, and how they should work. So i guess you could say i disagree with the exchange theory. It should never be "you owe me" it should be"i love you so i will do this for you". No strings attached. If both halves give 100%, neither half will be left unsatisfied. 

On another note, in my opinion the world has a misconception of happiness, and how it is obtained. The exchange theory leads us to believe that we need to be rewarded for our service in order to be satisfied in life. And i dont agree with that. Dont get me wrong, it is way nice to have someone serve you, and give back after you have served them. But sometimes, for me, the greatest happiness comes from me serving others with no expectations in return. 

 

I live by this quote. And i can testify that it works. I have found the greatest happiness by striving to make others happy. This is how the God has invited us to find happiness, and no theory can convince me otherwise. 

Classmate Blogs

First Name	Last Name	Blog URL
Katrina	Lund	http://jkgrose.blogspot.com/
Kiley	Prince	http://kileysthought.blogspot.com
Kimber	Clemons	http://lifeandlove-kc.blogspot.com/
Elizabeth	Eaton	http://woveandmawwiage.blogspot.com/
Maryn	Miner	http://marynminer.blogspot.com
Marisol	Cisneros	http://familyneedtoknow.blogspot.com/
Elyse	Puida	https://www.creatingtheultimatefamily.blogspot.com
Alayna	Betts	http://reexaminingfamilies.blogspot.com/
Grace	John	http://familythoughtsbygrace.blogspot.com/
Megan	Christensen	http://homecanbeheavenonearth.blogspot.com/
Brody	Morse
Elizabeth	Hampton	https://beezersinsights.wordpress.com/
Tyler	Graves	http://tylergraves4.blogspot.com/
Audrey	Stewart	http://audreyestewart.blogspot.com
Tracee	Bracken	http://ldsfamilyideas.blogspot.com/
Ambri	Miller	http://ibleieveinfamily.blogspot.com/
Megan	Kayner	http://happyhomeliving.blogspot.com/
Hailey	Densley	http://haileydensley.blogspot.com/
Audra	Perry	http://audraperry7.blogspot.com
Aly	Valles	https://www.alymvalles.blogspot.com
Kayla	Raddigan	http://raddigan.blogspot.com/
Samantha	Carey	collegeisamusical.blogspot.com
MaKenna	Cabe	http://kennajo01.blogspot.com/
Breanna	Dawson	http://anchoringourfamilies.blogspot.com/
Christian	Stratford	http://christianscornerspot.blogspot.com/
Courtney	Starmer	http://cnstarmer.blogspot.com
Sarah	Schwarz	http://seeingsignificance.blogspot.com
Melanie Kimberly Marie	Martin	http://familydiscussionsbymelanie.blogspot.com
Carlee	Collins	http://carleecollins2016.blogspot.com
Angelena	Goldwater	http://lovelikegold.blogspot.com/
Cheyanne	Hansen	cheyannehansen.blogspot.com
Lyndsay	Reeves	http://lyndsayreeves.blogspot.com/
Shelyn	Hansen	http://hansenmandf.blogspot.com/
Samantha	Clements	http://samanthaclements.blogspot.com/
Annelise	Lofgran	http://familytopics.weebly.com/
Elizabeth	Allen	http://bethandandrewlove.blogspot.com/
Cynthia	Belteton	http://cynthiamichelleb.blogspot.com/
Ashley	Porter	http://ashporter85.blogspot.com/

Week 1- Seeking out the real facts

Hey! My name is Becca Packer. I am currently taking the Family 160 course at BYU-Idaho, all about family relations. I am looking forward to taking this class and discussing the different issues in found families around the world.
There are so many different types of families these days. Two parent homes, single parent homes, same sex parent homes, step families, divorced families, and the list goes on and on. But is there one perfect type of family? Some might say there is. But that is not what i am here to discuss. Truthfully i would just like to post about some of my thoughts and opinions that i learn in this class, and maybe get some feedback about your thoughts and opinions as well. I am not here to start confrontations, or argue with people.
This week we talked about research. That may seem like an interesting topic, considering it doesn't have much to do with families. But it was really interesting to learn about how to find good research on the topic of family. We looked at a lot of different case studies and looked at what they studied and what they used as a comparison group. For example we were looking at studies questioning whether same sex parents are as qualified to raise children as heterosexual couples. The conclusion that was found in the study we were looking at said that same sex couples were not only qualified to raise children, but were even possibly MORE qualified. Now, i don't have a strong opinion on this topic. Honestly i think that it comes down more to the type of people in the relationship and the quality of the relationship itself, and not the type of relationship. What i did realize however was in the studies the comparison groups used to test against the same sex parents weren't ever consistent or very relevant to the actual problem being discussed. Most of the studies either didn't have a comparison group at all, or the group was compared against single parent homes, or the the study was more focused on the parenting styles of the same sex couple, instead of the outcomes of the children themselves.
What i learned the most this week is it is important to pay close attention to the research that you are using when trying to understand families. And also, for me as a possible future researcher it is important for me to conduct effective and truthful searches.

Truth is out there. It can be found. We just need to use the proper sources to find it.