Competing Fathers

In blended families there are always outlying family members. There is the initial blended family, but then what about the family members that got pushed to the side? When previously divorced people get married, or even when previously widowed people get married, there is always going to be an ex spouse or a ex grandparent that still wants involvement in the family life. This can create problems. One problem i would like to address that i think is a problem is competing fathers. 

When mothers remarry they usually get the largest amount of custody with kids. So the children easily like mom better, because they are with her more. So dad has to try to make the short time he has with them more fun and appealing. Also the new stepfather has to try and make kids who have never met him like him. In both of these fathers situations they usually turn into what is known as "Disney Land Dad". This involves excessive gift giving, relaxation of rules, and lack of discipline. 

Parents, even divided ones, should never try and pit children against another parent, or try and fight for affection. parents need to join in in co-parenting. They need to support each others parenting. It may seem hard at first, but it will be worth it when you know that the child is always getting even, and equal parenting from each parent.

The purpose of parenting

What is the purpose of parenting? Most people would say it is for the children. Parents are to teach their children how to survive in life, and be good people. Where both of those thing are true  and very important, there is more to parenting to just that.  There is another purpose of parenting that i want to focus on. That purpose is to help parents (adults) learn responsibility and selflessness.

In order to be successful parents, parents need to give themselves and dedicate themselves to their children. Children need a lot of attention, especially in the first few years. There are many needs that children need that take place of parents wants.

I have 7 siblings that are married who have children and i have seen a change in all of them as they have added children to their families. They have cared less about video games, sports and crafts, and focus more on the goals, dreams and desires of their children. They haven't lost themselves in their children though. They do the things they love with their children. They have just made their children the focus. Because my siblings have done this i have also noticed that the way they treat other people is different. They focus outward more, they ask how others are doing more often, instead of expecting people to ask them. They have become selfless.

So yes, parenting is for children, but lets not forget that parenting is for the parents as well.

Family Counsels

Communication. Most people think they are great at communicating when maybe...they really aren't.

Now, don't get me wrong. Some people are good communicators. But for the most part, we all have areas that we could improve in. I did a little research and here are some things i found could be helpful for all of us to do. 

1. Be clear with your concerns or desires.

2. Listen to the other persons side sincerely 

3. Be open-minded

4. Respect other people

5. Be confident

Obviously these things take practice, and they aren't always easy. But they are possible. There is a process whenever we are having a conversation with another person. First the sender things and feels what he wants to get across. Then he encodes it into a message and then sends it through a source of media (verbal, texting, writing, and even body language). Then the receiver Decodes the message and the sends back a response and so on and so forth. 

This process happens in families on a daily basis. Many times messages are decoded and encoded in unclear ways and messages are misinterpreted. There is something families can do to help each other understand one another and help lead them to all be on the same page. That something is Family Counsels.  Family counsels give each family individual chances to speak their mind and for the family to come to a consensus, or a unified decision.  When a family counsel is done well, communication in a family can be improved greatly.

Now you might be wondering how to hold an effective Family counsel, and don't worry, I won't leave you hanging.  There are a few necessary things that go into effective family counsels.

1. Express love to one another

2. Start with a Prayer - invite the spirit

3. Discuss matters - Consensus

4. End with a prayer - confirm that its the Lords will

As we follow these guidelines for family counsels, and as we implement the communication skills mentioned earlier, we will be able to feel greater unity in our families. 

Family Crisis

Family crisis can come in many different forms. It might be death of a loved one. A premature, or special needs baby joins the family. A child or spouse is abused. All of these events can be very difficult and usually life changing. For many of these events we cant predict when they are going to happen, and we also cant prevent most of them from happening either. So what can we do? As humans we like to be able to have control, and when life takes an unexpected turn we tend to not know what to do and it takes a negative toll on us and our families. 

But there is something we can do!

We can prepare. Family crisis can do one of three things. 1. Pull a family apart 2. Family relations stay the same (unlikely) 3. Brings the family closer together. The 3rd option is of course what we want. But how do we achieve that? Do we wait for the crisis to happen and then just hope things turn out for the best? No. Preparation starts long before the crisis appears. Here are some ideas to do as a family.

-have family dinner as often as possible (4-5 times/week)

-practice open and honest communication between family members

-serve one another

These are just a few ideas, but there are many more. One thing you could do is discuss with your family, in a family council, how you might be able to strengthen your family ties (immediate and extended) so that you can be better prepared for trials. And then set goals and work on them. Families are important and we don't want to let the natural trials of life tear us apart. Make your family a priority.  

Marriage and Boundaries

Marriage, marriage and more marriage. Its hard for me to relate to all this marriage talk. Something we talked about was how important it is for a married couples to have boundaries with their friends and family. Now, i'm not married, but i am the friend and family to a lot married people. 3 of my best friends are married and all 7 of my siblings are married. Something that i took away from class this week is that i need to be supportive of my married friends and family and not pry into their personal lives. Also i need to encourage them to not gossip or vent to me about their spouses. 

When married people vent to their friends about their spouses it just builds the problem and makes it bigger. The friends start to think badly about the person, and also the person venting starts to exaggerate and make things sound worse then things actually are. 

Sometimes it seems hard to create boundaries with our married friends, but for their sake it is very important. If we truly love our friends we will make sure to support them and encourage them to work out any marriage problems with their spouse and maybe with their family if necessary. 

Welp.... we talked about marriage again this week. I think this is starting to become a pattern (i guess i should get used to this, i am a marriage and family major after all). We talked about transitioning into marriage and how to make it easier. I figured since i am not getting married any time soon i would talk about things i can do now, as a single person, to prepare for marriage. I thought of three things. 1. Budgeting 2. Good communication and 3. homemaking skills.

First, budgeting. I can start now by working hard and earning money. I already do that, but now i need to be better at planning out what i need to use my money for so that i properly save my money for future expected and unexpected events/emergencies.

Second, good communication. It is not easy living with the same person for 12 weeks, let alone the rest of your life. But if you can have good communication it can make a big difference. We can start now by practicing listening better. Having an open mind and being understanding of others feelings and opinions.

Third, homemaking skills. Someday we will have to be able to cook and clean for our families (whether we are male of female, dads have got to cook too). Its important no to learn how to make good, healthy, and affordable meals.

If we try to to work on these things now, marriage will be a lot easier to merge into. And in all reality it will make current life a lot easier too. So i invite you all to make goals involving how you can prepare for marriage now. There will always be something you can do to prepare. So do it, and do it now!

Dating? or just hanging out?

This week we talked about marriage.....oh joy. (i hope you caught on to my sarcasm) Being a student at BYU-I marriage is a pretty common topic, and can i be honest....i'm sick of it. I'm not married. I don't know when i'll get married, and honestly i don't know IF i'll get married at all. 

There were some things however that i liked about our conversation in class. We also talked about dating. And not just exclusive dating. But just dating. Two people going on a planned outing. Paired off, and paid for. This definition of a date makes it seem so simple, and it should be simple. We live in a world where dating is almost non-existent. People hang out, and then they become exclusive, they keep hanging out, then they get engaged....then they keep hanging out. I have a word to say to the singles of the world.

STOP "JUST HANGING OUT!"

I am so sick of just "hanging out". I am not saying that i never suggest it, i do it all the time. I constantly ask guys to hang out. Reason being, the worlds view of dating is so changed that asking someone on a date nowadays comes across to strong and forward.  I don't know how to solve this hanging out epidemic, but i hope that my words can help some young single adults be more aware of how much dating has changed, and do something about it. What that something is....i dont know, but maybe you can help me think of something. 

<-------Maybe if we can get dating to look a little less like this .

 

And a little bit more like this ------>

Then maybe we will all have a slightly better chance at this thing we call marriage.